Category: Walking in This World

A New Year Ahead Without Resolving Anything

I apologize, once more, for the delay in posting here. It’s been a rough few weeks of holidays and it isn’t over yet. Soon, soon.

And so what about resolutions for the new year? Who is and who isn’t doing them? I can tell you that I’m opting out. No resolutions for me. Why? Because I never do them. Everyone wants to lose weight, exercise more, be a better person, and on. I could try to do so many things and fall flat a month from now so I’m not going to bother thinking about it.

The one thing I will do is break my day into 15 to 20 minutes chunks of time. As this past year has shown me, I can do anything for 15 minutes. Whether it’s organizing/cleaning my space, painting, or some other activity, I can slowly get something done and finished if I make tiny goals. The huge to-do list will be tackled that way. One thing at a time and in small bites.

Last year I read Walking in This World, by Julia Cameron, author of The Artist’s Way. I loved every minute of reading the latter, never walked with the former, which I had hoped would become a habit. Nope! Didn’t happen. So forget it. If I start walking it will be a miracle. And I would have to wake up at 5A.M. to get everything in before my granddaughter comes for the day. I read somewhere that I could walk out of my house for 7 minutes and return, making the trip 15 minutes of walking. I can’t get to do that either. I know, I’m a slug. I own the next installment of this series of anti-resistance courses so let’s see where that goes.

Same thing with painting, but I think I need to move on past the 20 minutes I had allotted myself. Maybe I can try it on a larger work? Ugh, I don’t even want to think about it. Twenty minutes was working out well and maybe I will just keep it just like that.

If I can cross off some things from the to-do list once a month I’ll be thrilled. Small goals, one at a time should become my mantra.

Like posting here on the blog. I have so much to put out here, but by the time I have time I realize I didn’t take photos, forgot my thoughts, I’m too tired to type or think. But if I could be awake for 15 minutes, maybe something can show itself here.

As far as being a better person? I think I’m the best I’m going to be right now. Maybe when I grow up I’ll decide to be someone else, but for now you’re stuck with me.

The Time of the Crazymaker

The weather has not been cooperative here lately.  Rain, clouds, cold, more rain, so not to my liking.  Someone I know said something about the weather being “crispy.”  Nope.  Crispy weather is hot and humid, the way I like it.  People like New York in the fall, and the winter time, but my favorite is a New York summer. You know, you can keep “Autumn in New York.”  I like the way Frank Sinatra sang it, but I just don’t want to think about what’s coming around the corner.

So I’m having a tough week.  Annoying watercolor painting and lousy weather, a horrible combination.  To top it all off, the Crazymaker has made an appearance again.  Not gonna be fun.

When I was reading The Artist’s Way course and Walking in This World, there was the mention of the Crazymaker, how to deal with him, and keep fighting resistance. Those courses helped me stay in creativity mode and to remember it’s the process not the result.  But there are those that upset the proverbial apple cart, the individual who can throw you off your art path.

The Crazymaker, the Opportunist, makes your life not your own. One spends time with them and not working the creativity.  Sound familiar to anyone?  They act supportive, but it’s a ruse to usurp your talent.  If you mentioned it they would balk and say “Who me?”  A whole day can be ruined while on a wild goose hunt.  The pay-off is you don’t work and remember the things you wanted to create that day and didn’t. They are not your good mirror.

It’s been a long while and my brain has been quiet, happily so.  My time is my own. No running, long phone calls with nothing being said, or wasted time.  Time away turned into artist dates with myself.  I chose whom to spend my time with or be alone.  I breathe.  I am creative on my own terms.  Had it continued I would not be as creative as I have. I feel good. I feel strong. Privacy is a good thing.

There was a reason and they appeared.  I could ignore or give in. If I pick up again I’d be the stupid one. There is no way I’m going backwards at this point. Moving forward is the only option. When you taste freedom you just don’t want to go back to jail. I’ll ignore.

The Rush of Something New

It feels so good to have the day all to myself today.  Yesterday is over and today is a new day.  Tuesday is usually an errand day and I hope to get those chores finished early. 

When I removed the garden painting from the block it felt great.  In the book Walking in This World, by Julia Cameron, I read in one of the chapters to ‘Finish something’!
How does it feel to finish something?  I felt relief.  The act of closing the book on a work is very satisfying.  So satisfying that I get a rush of inspiration.  Maybe I felt that way because I was happy to be done with a piece I wasn’t thrilled with?  Whatever the reason, I became excited about the possibilities.

No sooner had I freed the painting from the watercolor block, I looked over the latest photos I’ve taken and chose one to sketch onto the brand spanking new paper. 

I decided to use the butterfly photo I took a couple of weeks ago or when ever that was.  I’d like to work it kind of sloppy, sort of abstract.  I might use the watercolor paint thick and heavy, throwing it on the paper, just to experiment with the medium.  I seem to be daydreaming lately about oil painting again. 
While reading through some of my favorite artists’ blogs I noticed one was doing what I had been thinking to do, which is paint on a small square-shaped canvas.  I was writing some random thoughts in the Morning Pages yesterday, yes I’m still doing that, and in the blink of an eye I was looking up at my surroundings thinking I should paint on a 4×4 canvas!  Just like that!  I thought to myself, ‘You have some weird Artist A.D.D. girl!’  One second I’m writing, the next I’m in LaLaLand and I didn’t know where I was or what I was doing.  I had to squeeze my eye lids shut to block out the blur! 
So anyway, that might be my next thing, and I didn’t even start this work!  I think I have to go back to oils.  Something in my head keeps pointing me there.  I’m going to have to obey the muse.  First I will start and finish this painting.  Let’s see where I go with it.
I’ll get back to you on it.

Thought for Thursday

“Whenever we indulge in what might be called ‘paint by numbers’ art, we are engaging in cynicism and skepticism.  We are on a subtle level out to ‘fool’ people.  We are looking down at our audience and saying ‘If I just feed them what they are used to getting, I can fool them.’  Does this mean that we must always and willfully break the mold?  No..we are always engaged in a delicate balancing act. We both know how things ‘are done’ and we must strive to listen accurately to see if that’s how our particular piece of art wants to be done.”

        ~Discovering A Sense Of Authenticity, Walking In This World, Julia Cameron

Life, Art and Drama

The bloom of the azaleas in the background is over now
“Artists are dramatic.  Art is dramatic.  If we artists are not making artistic drama we make personal drama. We tilt at imaginary windmills and demand center stage.”   This is how Week 9 in Walking in This World begins.  Discovering a Sense of Camaraderie says, “Keep the drama on the stage.”  The author suggests that we need to focus our attention on our relationships and the difficulty that normal people present to us wacky artists.  (Wacky is my word.)  Normal in the sense that they have a regular job and we’re doodling and playing with paint all day. (Not me at all.) Wink-Wink.
I guess some artists can get all antsy and up in their own head that we’re not normal people because we don’t have a 9 to 5 desk job making regular money, we’re special after all, we create a drama.  Artists can get more nervous and turn on relationships and it’s not reality based drama.  If we don’t get to make our art regularly we make trouble.  At least we’re still creative, but it’s not helpful creativity!  It’s an interesting concept!
While reading I take notes like this: “Is this chapter talking to me?” I’ve been painting fairly regularly with the help of The Artist’s Way courses, but haven’t in a couple of weeks.  Life happens, things get thrown out of order and art doesn’t happen.  Yes, I’ve tried to stay with it in a way, but not painting.  It’s strange that coincidentally there’ve been weeks of drama floating around.  Nothing important, just stupid things.  So I’m reading this chapter, but I don’t think it’s really about me.  I’m not all that interested in causing drama or trouble.  I’m a nice, quiet girl.  I read this on page 201:

  “As a rule of thumb, artists should repeat this mantra: Sudden problems in my life usually indicate a need to work on my art.”

I’m not a person who likes to be teased and joked about with sideways glances, however good-spirited.  Being a straight, honest, level person, I like a good joke like anyone, but not if it’s a back handed compliment with a smirk on the side, however playfully done.  The Mr. loves doing this and not just to me.  He’s done it to his mother, brothers, etc. and he thinks he’s funny.  They laugh.  I get confused.  I want an apology.  He says it’s a joke, I don’t think he’s funny.  Now he’s mad and I’m center stage!  Ugh!

Finding myself alone during the weekend, The Mr. went fishing, Son #2 feeling sick and in bed, I went to my studio and started playing with my beads.  No, I didn’t paint.  Hours flew by as I moved the beads together making patterns, admiring the different colors, manipulated colored wire by wrapping large stones.  How can I explain how much better I felt after spending that time with myself? 

“Artists become snappish when they need to make art.  Instead of making art, we make trouble-and we make it because we are bingeing emotionally on NOT making art…We need to go full steam ahead and when we don’t we tend to blow off steam by venting inappropriateluy about any number of imaginary ills…our aches and pains becoming the world’s pain in the neck.”

I don’t think I’m snappish and I’m no trouble maker, but I don’t want to be messed with either.  I’m just reacting to a stimulus that my personality doesn’t agree with.  By reading this chapter I figured that maybe I just have to keep making art so I can more easily deflect the dopey stuff that comes at me.  Process, baby!

Will this be my painting spot for today? 

Tasks I Forgot About While NOT Walking in This World

Peonies in the front garden this morning

As I think about the week ahead I’m trying to chose some small thing as an artist’s date.  Yeah, I’m still reading Walking in This World, but for me they should have titled this book Not Walking in The World in One Easy Step: Don’t Bother At All.  Sounds good? 

Before I went on to the next chapter in “Not” Walking, I revisited these suggested tasks to combat the feeling of restlessness.  Sometimes we don’t know what we feel like doing, where to go, how to proceed in our creativity and elsewhere.  Nothing feels right and we need to be alert to experience that change.  It’s like an itch we can’t scratch, but somehow ideas snap up.  Mind you, if we sit in front of the easel and wait to scratch the itch it may never happen.  Art does not exist in a vacuum.  The answer, according to this course, seems to lie in artist’s dates where we can get a breath of fresh air and recharge. 

Here’s the list of tasks I forgot about:

  1. Visit a quiet church and sit in the back for a few minutes.  Sitting tucked in a pew brings calm, humility and a sense of faith.
  2. Visit a large plant store or greenspace which can give a sense of another world where plants can show us their secret life.
  3. Visit a forest or a park to sense a difference rhythm of life.
  4. Seek out a fine Oriental carpet store for a sense of the sacred in the patterns.  This will remind us of the beauty in our own life.
  5. Drop in a travel shop for a sense of adventure.  An imaginary trip could be strangely calming. 

I’m going to add one more to this list which is to visit a large book store or the library, two of my favorite places.  The library is even better if it’s large, quiet and has stacks I can hide in so I can grab a pile of books and flip through them sitting on the floor. 

Chosing one of these tasks is on my agenda this week.  I’ll let you know when it happens…or not.

Just a Wild and Crazy Me

Figure, cropped, charcoal on newsprint (c)1976 DST

Who doesn’t worry?  Who doesn’t feel fear?  Is there anyone who doesn’t feel panic once in a while?  Or is it just me?
I’m chugging away reading Walking in This World from the Artist’s Way series of courses on creative blocks.  Week 9- Discovering a Sense of Resiliency, talks about creative people being prone to apprehension and skittishness.  Panic is described as an escalating sense of terror that floods and immobilizes by the ‘glare of change’ as, “How am I going to get there?”  Worry is unfocused anxiety that distracts us from a real fear.  Fear, they go on to say, is not obsessive like worry or escalating like panic, but is reality based and is our ally.
As far as we creative people are concerned, the more active and negative our imagination is, the more creative energy we have.  Well I’ll be darned!  If I knew that I guess I would’ve felt better about being a panicky, worry wart, fearful, superstitious neurotic!  
“Fearful and neurotic people are those with the best imaginations. Worry is the imagination’s negative stepsister.”

Oh gee, I’m so happy to know that!   So when my mind is racing and talking to me from every where blabbing it’s big mouth, my creative juices are actually working?  What a relief!  I thought I was just crazy!

The writing of Morning Pages should work to rid us of negative energy and talk because it siphons off the worry at the start of the day.  In the pages I can name, claim, and dump most of my negative talk, anger, fear about all sorts of things and people.  Dump the stuff in the page, close the book and walk away.    Nausea, asthma attacks, stomach upset are all from worry and we need to recognize it as misplaced creative energy.  Is it possible this book right?  Wow, who knew?

Fear is scary, we think, but what we fail to see is that fear is positive.  “Fear is a blip on the radar screen.”  The author suggest we give Fear a pet name.  Ok, now what kind of name can I give my little side-kick?  I’ll have to think about that. 

Fears are base on inaccurate info.  When fear kicks in we are supposed to reach for action.  Fear is sending a signal, but what’s the signal mean?  Do I need Morse Code to figure it out?  How about when you’re in the middle of a full blown panic?  Tell me I can think of what the signal is while I’m waiting for my racing heart to slow down. 

I don’t know, but I’m writing it all down in the Pages every morning like clock work.  Well, now I feel really good knowing that all my craziness was just me being such a wildly creative artist! (Hand over mouth, laughing out loud!)

Thought for Thursday

“When we acknowledge the right of mystery to intercept and direct us, we acknowledge the larger issue that life is a spiritual dance and that our unseen partner has steps to teach us if we will allow ourselves to be led.  The next time you are restless, remind yourself it is the universe asking ‘Shall we dance?'”

~Julia Cameron, Walking in This World

The Piggybacker

In the Mirror Self Portrait ©1977 Dora Sislian Themelis
Oil on canvas

Quite a few posts back, when I was reading The Artist’s Way, I wrote about someone who I identified as the Crazymaker, which was a term in that book for a friend who takes up your time and saps your energy for their own gain.  In Week 8 of Walking in This World the author talks about discovering a sense of discernment.  In plainer terms, trying to stay focused on making art not making it, and the difference between opportunity and opportunists.

In this book, the Crazymaker term is applied a little differently as to the opportunists and is called the Piggybacker.  And Wow, is that a true visual!   I knew I had a Crazymaker on my hands, but to think they were also a Piggybacker makes the whole thing more real.  True to the term, this person was an opportunist, riding my wave at every turn.  What I did, they did too. 

If I said it, they said it.  If I tried it, they tried harder. If I went to a place they had to be there.  And everything was their idea.  Even now, that I’ve stepped back and away, they’re still trying to hang on to my coattails.  Someone once said to me “You’re the real deal, they’re just hanging on that some of it may rub off on them.”

The Piggybacker, as described in this chapter, is an opportunist who offers an opportunity by saying “I can help you” instead of  “I need your help.”  The better we become as artists, stronger and more visible, these others are that more attracted.  “They divert our creativity to light their own path.”  This is so true.

 The problem is they go along undetected, undermining our direction until we finally figure it out.  As in my case I had no clue!  I thought this is a friend I’d known a long time, a fellow artsy type, with which I had similar interests.  Not until lately did I get it that they were hanging on me for their own benefit.  What a dope I was!

Flattering, persuasive and dangerous, they can choke us like weeds do flowers.  They would say “This will only take a minute” and their minute could take forever to detox from, which costs us our creative focus.  Done!  As open souls as some of us artists are, well me anyway, if we agree with the crazy Piggybacker we could fall into something we didn’t bargain for! 

Real opportunity feels good, feels special and right.  Opportunists come with pressure and impulsiveness.  How true!  I know because I lived it.

You can’t understand how free I feel that I’ve unshackled myself from that oppression. The only thing I feel now is stupid that I allowed that to contine.  Since leaving that angst behind I’ve moved so far forward it shocks me.  But how and why did I stay friends with the Piggybacker for so long?