The "F" Word

Despite the fact that I’m in the middle of reading two books about artist’s block, resistance, whatever you want to call it, I’m allowing all that to continue right about now.  The only positive thing is that I can identify it for what it is.  And what it isn’t is the big “L” word: lazy.  Lazy is not an acceptable term in the Artist’s Way and War of Art vocabulary.  Not acceptable.  The acceptable term is the “F” word: fear.  Why fear, you might ask?  Fear takes many forms, some of which seem like lazy, bored, tired, distracted.  All of this stems from fear.  Fear is the really big “F” word.

What’s fear got to do with resistance to create?  The obvious fear is of failure.  The talking in one’s brain that says “Why’d you put that color there? What’s up with the composition?  How come you didn’t think before you messed up that painting? It was coming out so well and you went and ruined it. Dang!” 

On the same track is the fear of success.  Now that’s a heavy one!  Feeling good about a work and having others agree brings the fear of being out there, the fear of the next piece not being as good, the fear that now the artist is the focus. And that scratchy voice starts saying, “What’s your big problem, you idiot?  Get your stuff out there!”  Big thing, that fear.

I can’t wait until the morning so I can write the Morning Pages journal to tell the voice to shut up. 

Then the blocking comes in and all work is at a standstill.  The play stops too.  The excuses not to continue begin and that annoying voice starts yapping anew: “The light in the studio stopped working altogether.  Until I call that guy to fix it I can’t  work on the painting.  I have to pay a guy to come and fix the light and money is tight right now.  I’m tired of all the snow, I may as well have another cup of coffee and watch the flakes fall.  I feel blah.  I’m annoyed at so and so.  Maybe that work is not as good as they, or I, think it is, what do they know?” Get the picture?

Oh yeah. I’ve become well aware of Resistance alright.  I know it, I can feel it, I’ve identified it, and I still can’t move through it, even by the process. The War of Art, as kick butt as that book is, is not kicking my butt hard enough!  Do I need to have someone put a garbage can on my head and bang it while kicking my butt one foot after the other?

Something clicked on in my head while painting my son and his bagpipe, and I know that fear took over.  I was too happy with the way it was coming along.  Anytime I feel really happy and good, something happens to squash all the good vibes.  He began to have an issue that came to light since I started the work and I think I’m feeling resistance to continue because somehow, in my mind, I feel, I don’t know if this is the right word  but, responsible for it in some way.  It’s a long, stupid story, but what he’s working on, and having a problem with egos, involves him playing that bagpipe.  So the primitive side of my brain says it was my fault he had to confront someone by standing up for himself and his art.

Is it realistic?  Nah, probably not, but my brain may be using that as the block of the moment,(that and my other to-do’s.)  Sure, why not?  Looks like Resistance is hanging around longer than I’d like. He’s outstayed my generous welcome and the time seems to have come for me to kick his butt out the door.  (Notice I’ve given it a male gender.)

Anger is powerful, too.  Anger is action.  And enough is enough.

To-Do in the New Year

I’m so thankful the holiday season is over.  Now it’s time to get back in business.  Every weekend I look forward to Monday so I can start my week.  Each time I said that this week, the people around me kept groaning.  OK, so they have to go to a job on Monday, but so do I.  So my job is at home, so what?  It’s still a job.  I still wake up at 6A.M. to get the day started.  There’s alot to do, and I’m a morning person so that’s the time when I feel my best.  By two in the afternoon I start to poop out. 
I’m not big on resolutions, but I have a to-do list that needs attention.  The one big thing I need to do is show up in the studio every day.  To show up and be present with no agenda other than to play at being creative.  By working with The Artist’s Way I learned to just do something, one action, towards artful activity.  Even clearing the desk in my studio is “doing”.  Writing the Morning Pages every day is “doing”.  Inspiration seems to come with “doing” the smallest things.
Another item on my list is to plan the weekly artist’s date, as well as a daily artist’s time-out.  The time-out phrase is my idea.  The Artist’s Way suggests a weekly date out alone as well as small daily pockets of time for a little artist’s moment, but I’m going to call it a time-out.  I can barely get myself on a full blown date once a week, but scheduling a small fun thing during a break in the day would work. I’ll see how it goes.  I’m planning a visit to NYC this week. There’s an exhibition, The Origins of El Greco: Icon Painting in Venetian Crete at the Onassis Foundation in midtown Manhattan and I may go take a look as my first artist’s date in the new year.  The visit alone is an artist’s date even if I don’t get to the exhibit.

I want to do the tasks I didn’t get to in The Artist’s Way course.  One task was to put music on and doodle in a sketchbook, but I never did it.  During my shopping travels I picked up a mini sketchpad . I’ll have it in my handbag for doodling when I find myself somewhere with nothing to do.  I filled my rapidograph with ink and I’ll pop it in my bag along with the pad!   I love pen and ink so I’m just going to have it ready to go.

I’m looking forward to a productive year and my mantra will be: It’s the process, stupid.

For more info on the exhibit of painter Domenikos Theotokopoulos, El Greco see:
The Origins of El Greco

Was it a Simpler Time?

I’ve been reading in the news and listening to people talk about how simple the Christmas holidays were in the past.  No worries, just gifts and dinner with the family.  A wide-eyed optimism is what they remember, not the hustle and bustle of the shopping for big ticket items or fighting the crowd for the latest toy craze.
If you think about it for a moment, that simpler time was when you were a kid.  What kid is involved in the frenzy?  Not one that I can think of.  For most of us, when you’re a kid the world is a pretty small place.  You go from home to school, to an activity and home again.  Are most kids thinking of how to provide for the family?  No.  Is a kid responsible for shopping for the big gift?  No.  Maybe a kid makes cookies with the family or the mom, maybe he or she shops for the little gifts they give and help decorate the tree.  I think most kids are quite oblivious to the whole craziness that their parents are having trying to make the holiday happen. 
As a child, did you really know what was going on in your parent’s lives?  Some families make do, some do without.  Some do a bang-up blowout, each depending on their own situation.  Kids grow up and remember the time being simpler.  Well, I think it’s because you just didn’t know any better.  You’re a kid and that’s how it’s supposed to be if the parents do it right.  Later on you grow up and lament having to do the running, shopping, cooking, cleaning, decorating, wrapping, and worry about paying for all of it.  Suddenly, the times way back when seemed simpler. 
Yeah, it was simpler because you didn’t have to do all of the work, you were a kid!  Get it?

Stepping out, coffee in left hand, paint brush in right

Welcome. This is something very new for me. Something to try, to see what or who is out “there”. Is anybody out in the world even remotely interested? I guess we will have to see how it goes. For now it’s a test. A proverbial toe in the water.

I think, at least, I’m interested where this venture will take me. How it looks, how long it lasts, who will be watching, criticizing, commenting, complaining. It’s a step out in faith. A trial by fire? I don’t know. Let’s see if I surprise myself. I hope I do.

Okay, right now the kitchen is calling and it’s hungry.